This is going to be a tough post for me to write, but I feel like you all deserve my honesty and raw emotions. I knew it would slap me in the face eventually. I think there is a honeymoon stage in being single just as there is in a relationship. I can’t reiterate enough how thankful I am to be where I am, but like I have said before, that does not mean I am not going to feel things other than happiness. While deep down, I have a joy about life and where I am, I do not always have the strength to smile just because I am happy. Sometimes other emotions override my ability to be happy.
The truth is I have, all my life, loved love. I have always anticipated that moment when I meet “the one.” I have never been ready to get married, but I think I have forced the idea of “the one.” I do believe it’s out there, but I feel that maybe my anticipation of it has rushed things for me in a lot of relationships. And for that, I apologize to any exes brave enough to read this. At the same time, I have always studied relationships and love with books, the bible, other people’s relationships and mentors to life as well as my fair share of field work. I wonder if my studying has prevented me from truly loving or if it has set my standards higher, where they need to be. And has my love of love made me rush things or just be a hopeless romantic to the core?
I started pondering on these thoughts this weekend. I want to start off by saying that I am so completely happy for my Aunt Lori. She has found her “one.” I was blessed to photograph the occasion and in the middle of the ceremony I broke into tears. For those of you who know me, I don’t cry often or publicly. I was overwhelmed with joy for her and her daughter as well as my new Uncle Mark.
While tears of joy fell for her, an overwhelming sense of loneliness came over me. You know, once the tears break, happy or sad, they don’t stop. I knew it would happen, that overwhelming-crawl-in-a-hole feeling. The problem was, I was in the middle of photographing a wedding. A wedding I was overjoyed for. Talk about a train wreck in my head. I thought I would be alone when it hit me. I couldn’t escape all weekend and I didn’t want to because I hadn’t seen my family in years, but I so desperately wanted to at the same time. As I caved in and shut down on the inside I couldn’t escape that feeling. There was nothing I could do. I don’t remember much of my last day on that trip for the wedding because I just wanted to hide away, and regretfully, I know it showed. The hard part is that I do not want the obligatory responses of “Plenty of fish in the sea” and “with time, you will heal.” I know those things. I embrace those things. Right now, though, is the time for me to be lonely. I can’t explain why it hit when it did, and even now I am glad I am experiencing it. The loneliness brings solace because it is confirmation I am doing the right thing.