Thanks for the memories?

I have started searching through some old writings to find some inspiration. Wow, talk about digging up some demons. It’s wild how some things haunt us and how you can remember things like it was yesterday. Such as an imprint on the floor of your first apartment left behind from the suitcase of the one you loved. It stayed there for days as a constant reminder that he was gone leaving a looming question of when you would see him again, and it is now imprinted in your mind forever. In reality, it was just a duffle bag with too much crap for one man in it. In your head, it represented utter and complete loneliness. It reminds you of the taste of dry toast because that’s all you could eat through the copious amount of crying, so NOT discreetly done in your bathroom so no one would hear. And then you realize you never want to feel that lonely again. So a wall begins to build. A wall with a promise inscribed saying you will never let yourself cry like that again, and 7 years later, you haven’t. In fact, when you want to cry like that, you can’t. You just kind of stare aimlessly thinking that the emptiness will fill. But then your best guy friend wears the same cologne as someone you never thought you would fall for. And that immediately puts you back in this stupid chair in his bedroom on the night he, the one you thought you could never love, came up behind you and tilted your head back to kiss you. Then you wonder how many girls he did that exact same thing to, because you found you could never trust anything he said. And then that reminds you of the many others that have deceived you and brought you right here where you are. At this suffocating circle surrounded and all consumed by doubt that you will ever make the right choice when it comes to men because you have fallen for all the wrong ones. So, when you do start liking someone and they have one small negative characteristic remotely similar to someone within the past 8 years, you run. You shut down, you stop listening, and then you question. You have lost all concept of what you can and can’t handle and everyone is practically yelling at you telling you they are different and it’s not the same or they have changed or they will never treat you like so and so did. Or the worst one of all, that maybe your choices are a little extreme. The wall that started building because of a few tears is now a fortress that is almost immovable. And it’s only you that can decide how those walls will break, if  they should, and who will get in. With each new person, it’s this  viscous cycle that spins and spins and you are no longer part of it, you are in the middle of it and everything spins around you. Memories haunt you, people are yelling at you, deceit is everywhere and you are only able to watch and shut yourself in…OUT OF FEAR! Fear of continuing to do everything wrong and choosing wrong. And then all of a sudden, you break free. You realize you ARE that fortress that you built and the reason things are the way they are is because you have chosen them. That circle around you explodes and you have truly embraced the choices you have made, including the one to remain single for 10 more months or maybe 10 more years. You are CHOOSING to break free of all that crap. You are running from the norm and doing the best thing for you. While there are memories that will continue to haunt you, you are the one choosing to let them. React differently. Dig deeper. Find out why things affected you certain ways. Learn when you need to remove yourself from situations. Listen to God when he says things are over. Don’t argue. Don’t make deals with God especially when your heart is on the line. Trust me…I am still mending from when I decided to take over. He knows what He is doing. Learn to break free of those pesky memories. Figure out YOU and what YOU what and who YOU are!

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