Once upon a time, when I entered “singledom”, I did rash things such as dye my hair and move apartments. I would quit a job or start a new path in life or book a vacation. I had no responsibilities to hold me down. I was free to be. Now, in my mid twenties, I have to hold back my innate nature to run or change or be irrational. When I ended one of the most committed and longest relationships of my dating life, I bought a car, moved back to my small hometown and bought a house. Then after the next breakup I quit my job and dove into graduate school. While all of these current decisions were in the works before the break-ups, it still felt quite liberating to be in the midst of life changing events when the break up actually did occur.
So now, as I journey through being single, indefinitely and purposefully, I want to make a rash decision like old times. However, dying my hair is out of the question because I have a heating bill to pay on a 100 year old house in the dead of winter. So, a trim is doable…maybe. That thirty bucks could go toward schoolbooks though or just a couple cheap bottles of wine which are much more important than chopping a couple inches off my hair. It’s killing me to be responsible. Part of having a free spirit is a fear of commitment which of course could be an entire topic about my relationship woes. And here I am having to commit to a mortgage and car payment when in reality I love my life. I love my warm snuggly cottage farmhouse
My rash decisions are still boiling inside of me, but of course now they take planning. So, they are more or less not rash but well thought out decisions. My options and current in the works plans are to potentially hike the AT at some point in the future to honor sweet Bryan. I am more likely to take a road trip I have wanted to do for years because I think Bryan would want me to do something on my own bucket list. I plan on applying for many of my dream jobs this year because why not? I can actually look for things a little out of my reach because I have the security of school. I am not in NEED of a job so I can take more risks in applying for them. I am sure I will blow my minuscule tax return on a trip like I usually do because years ago I said I would go somewhere new every year. Of course this makes me wonder if I will always live paycheck to paycheck because I kind of enjoy the thrill of it all.
Ideally, I want a job that allows me to take part in owning this adorable little house of mine while participating in all major city events and entertainment in Nashville as well as NYC. I want to be able to garden every summer while also taking part in rooftop pool parties on Wednesdays in the Gulch. Ok, in reality I want a job that means I don’t have to work ever again. Can’t I just make money for being the life of the party? Aren’t there people who do that? In fact a quote that describes me perfectly is from Pride and Prejudice, a book I actually trudged through and as an English major should be burned at the stake for despising such a classic novel, “‘When I am in the country,’ he replied, ‘I never wish to leave, and when I am in town it is pretty much the same. They have each their advantages, and I can be equally happy in either.’”
There are so many things bouncing around in my mind. I imagine a robust game of ping pong going on in there or one of those old pinball machines. Yea, that’s more like it actually. For brief moments I am calm and collected and feel like I have it figured out, but then, just like pinball, something shoots me into a thought process that bounces back and forth and I get stuck in little corners that are lonely and saddening or even shot into high energy mazes. Something always saves me and I come back down from the highs and lows. Of course, writing this sounds much more dramatic than it is, and it makes me realize that my indecisions and not knowing what I want have nothing to do with me being single. I would be like this regardless of a relationship. Stability is something I desire but not something I am good at. I don’t even like to make plans because plans never work and require you to depend on other people and yourself. Those of you who are my friends probably hate this about me, constantly hearing my classic line of, “Let’s just play it by ear.” I am truly a romantic at heart. I believe in going about life based on feelings. Finding order is boring to me. Yet I crave it sometimes. See how this can be like a pinball game? Imagine actually being in my head. I constantly want the best of both worlds. I am happiest when I embrace that and run with it. I like things to change.
So here I am just bouncing thoughts back and forth as you can tell. There really isn’t any order to this post so God bless you if you made it this far. I want to end with encouraging words, but all I can tell you is to LIVE. Be where you are.