28 days

Twenty eight days usually makes something become a habit, right? I have to say, the first 28 days of my vow to be  single have been amazing. I don’t know if it’s because I have been busy or free, but I’m getting used to the house being empty at night. It was always nice to have someone there to talk to or watch a movie with, but now I actually feel like my house is mine to enjoy. Since I moved in, I was always dating someone, so I never really bonded with my house alone. I kind of enjoy the melancholy of it all. I have been coming home and putting some music on instead of a movie and really enjoying a glass of wine or a nice cold beer, truly savoring it. I am used to this being alone thing, and I hate that I let so many relationships invade that. It is not that I can’t have a relationship again, but I HAVE to remind myself to take some time for myself. It’s so easy to want to see someone everyday…but I am not that kind of person. I like space, and I always catered to those who did not like space. It’s appalling to me that I walked away from who I am for other people. I let myself be smothered in love, and I can’t give back to that.

I love seeing the stacks of books and magazines I plan on reading knowing I will have the time. I love opening  my house to friends who need a place to stay without worrying about a fight the next day. I love making plans for the future of things I have always wanted to do without having to make extravagant plans. I can just go.  I love taking the time to grieve over what needs to be grieved and love what truly needs to be loved. There is so much I haven’t dealt with, that is now being shown to me, but there is a feeling of relief and a sound in my voice that let’s me know I am okay. I couldn’t truly become better with someone else dragging me down like they have.

For years, I lost a sense of who I was. When I felt like I got that back, I let it go way too fast. It felt like it was stolen. See, I used to be this extremely optimistic, fun person. I had almost this naive happiness about me that no one could take. Until someone did. It was ripped out from under me, and I could never figure out why or how. I just felt empty for a really long time. I started dealing with the fact that I wouldn’t get that back, but all of a sudden it showed up again. I started facing some thorns from my past that had a lot to do with that part of me fading away. I had kept things bottled up for so long, thinking no one needed to hear them or wanted to listen to me babble on yet again. It felt like once the words left my tongue, I was happier, instantly. This past Friday, I was me again. So extremely happy. So optimistic that it was impossible for me not to smile. I felt at complete peace, knowing that everyone and everything in my life has happened for a reason and made me who I am. I felt naive enough again to really enjoy life. To let all the worry go…that was true happiness.

Some advice for any of your brave enough to read this far:

If anyone makes you feel AT ALL inadequate…walk away…RUN away. The people in your life should challenge you, but not degrade you. They should adore you, but not worship you. Follow that pit in your stomach intuition and RUN from anyone who gives that to you.

Just do things. If you want to do them, do them. Travel, take random road trips, buy those jeans that fit just right or the shoes that make you feel sexy. Go see that friend you always say you are going to visit. Go to a movie alone if you really want to see a movie. Stop being scared to be alone. Embrace it.

Mr. Moneyball

So, just because I am not dating does not mean I am going to be able to ignore the fact that God did create some rather handsome men. There is a guy in my lit class, Mr. Moneyball because he looks like Brad Pitt in Moneyball, who I just happened to notice, and don’t worry, I am not interested. Truly, the thought of dating right now is rather repulsive to me. BUT, of course, I still want to know I’ve got it. I want to be “checked out,” glanced at, ok ok I just want a guy notice that I am still breathing over here. Then, I look down the other day as I tromps into class. I have a backpack that weighs about as half as much as I do so you can imagine how Hunchback of Notre Dame THAT looks. I am usually still half asleep with my coffee in my hand as I finally zombie walk my way over to my corner seat by the window.  AND the only time I participate in class is when she talks about cancelling class, which makes me look like the most unmotivated student in there.

On the forefront, things aren’t looking too hot for me to get a look from Mr. Moneyball on the other side of the classroom. He comes in with his flat-brimmed Cardinals ball cap on and I just assume he’s gonna look my way because I was the only chick in the room at the time. Nope, not one look. So…I glance a couple times over his way. Still nothing. Now, you have to be careful here because if you glance too much then it’s just staring. And staring along with a mouth breathing, coffee sipping not-quite-awake look in your eye is just a little too far from the glimmer you want people to see. The looks aren’t catching on, so as I swoosh my hair to make some sort of movement my ring gets caught in my hair, and I look like a moron getting attacked by her own head.  

So, all of this effort, pathetic and failing effort might I add, is done just so I can get the chance to tell poor Mr. Moneyball that he doesn’t have a chance.

ROOOOAAAAARRRRRRR!!

Whew…this year. Sometimes it can really bother me, the things I have gone through. Most days it doesn’t. Today, however, I don’t have enough coffee or sleep or COFFEE in my system to let it slide by. I know I have choice in the way I react, it is my COMPLETE choice in how I react to these happenings.

I would love to be happy and sweet and just love everyone like Christ loved the church, but let’s get real here, God made me human not an angel. I am going to get angry at some point, and boy does He know it. In my current bible study, the first week talks about being worn out. Am I EVER?! The main point was, “Have you told God you are worn out? Have you said, ‘Hey God! I am a little lot worn out here. Can you cut me some slack?'” We often feel like God knows our feelings, and we don’t need to tell him. Well, I let loose on my way home last night. Let me tell you, if God could hear me through the tears and the screaming, I had a lot to say. Today, I feel blessed from that and a little less weighed down.

Feeling blessed today doesn’t make me forget things though. It doesn’t make this year any better. It doesn’t help in my conflicting decisions about handling all of this. There are days when I want to run boys off the sidewalk on campus for ignoring that a woman was present. I have had to step off the sidewalk so many times to avoid getting pushed off. Seeing how inconsiderate men are of women really affects me now, after dating the men I have. I am not getting all feminist on you, don’t worry. There will be an entire post on mistakes of women. Let me just say, going through what I have and seeing the men that are pursuing relationships, makes me have a new respect for a man who ACTUALLY holds a door open for me. My reactions are completely based on people’s attitudes around me. As I’ve gotten older and wiser, I am stronger about my opinions. I feel educated and validated in my decisions and my opinions. I am not always going to make the best decisions, but I am not afraid to admit that. I do feel, now, that I have a right to let people know when they are in the wrong, not that I am going around throwing stones.

Now, there are also days when I am way less dramatic, though they are few as my best friend Christina can validate. There are days when I just look to appreciate people who open doors and appreciate people who are so happy in life and love. There are also days when those happy people can just shove it. So what? I am a little moody.

Today had me laughing so hard at myself. I am not sure if anyone else has seen the Katy Perry video for “Roar”, but that’s how I felt today. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8. Just imagine TN Tech’s campus and me swinging from the branches of the trees in the quad. It’s no big deal really…just me making my presence known.

Remember, I never promised stability in this blog.

This might sting a little

I had quite a bit of time to think this weekend, which can sometimes be a hidden evil. It’s supposed to clarify your life…it doesn’t do anything but complicate what you thought was so clear. Anyway, I was thinking about this blog…and why I am taking a year off from dating. I have been saying I wanted to take this sabbatical for a while now. Someone always comes along and convinces me otherwise, thwarts my plans. That’s been ok, but I haven’t realized how badly my heart wasn’t ready for those men. I’ve “moved on” before my heart was ready. And I have fought it. It’s easy to be happy when you are in love, and I WAS happy and in love. And each of my past relationships have taught me great things. I don’t regret those lessons learned. Honestly, though, things that have happened to me in the last few years, make me feel like I’m being punished for not following my heart in the first place. Maybe that is not the case. The point is, I am not taking this sabbatical just because I am sick of dating and being heartbroken. While that is part of it, the bigger part is that I am wanting to really work on me. I want a clean slate to offer up to the right person who comes along. I want a heart that is not jaded by the last guy or the guy before that. I think if someone comes along, and it’s the right person, they deserve a clean shot just as much as I do. Now, with that being said…I want proof of a clean shot at the next guy, so… background checks, DNA testing, blood tests, psych evaluations, and a full investigation on all past relationships will just be common procedure. Don’t be alarmed when our first date is at the hospital. 🙂

Last Run

I went for my last run before the half on Wednesday of this week. I was alone, but it felt great. It just made sense to be going into this race alone for some reason…maybe I expected it. I ran my last half marathon alone, so why not this one too? Granted, there are plenty of people I know running this race. And I have the chance to run with people I love. I trained alone though…in the hills of Smith County 🙂 Anyway, I was really enjoying my run and thought up this little piece:

 

Sometimes alone isn’t about being lonely. It’s about feeling the pavement underneath your worn out tennis shoes. It’s about getting out for a run away from anyone who will ask how you are and realizing the reason your heart has been beating out of your chest is because your body is screaming for some release. Sometimes being alone is feeling the last tinge of humidity on a warm fall evening, smelling the leaves as they fall and the cinnamon emanating from houses on Main Street. It’s about seeing the stars on a clear night. Sometimes it’s just about being alone…and not feeling alone. 

Funny things about being single in your late 20’s…

All of a sudden those little country things you liked to do are placed on the back burner in place of sitting on your couch watching sappy romantic comedies and eating cookie dough….ok that lasted a week or so. But the motivation to do anything in my yard or house has been lost. Now that I am back to paying for all my own meals and entertainment, the extra cash I USED to spend on my house is otherwise redirected. Sitting on the couch staring at my phone somehow seems more enticing. Besides…it has still been hot outside AND any free moment I have from studying allows me to sit in a brain-dead stare for hours.

Consequently…hanging out with your parents seems like a fun idea for a Saturday evening. For the past few weekends, since the last breakup, I have stayed with my parents. Actually, before sitting down to write this, I had to talk myself out of packing up my things and heading over there. They have tv and internet and a full house that does not involve me sitting down and reminiscing over any past relationships.

It’s wasn’t even 7 pm and I was in my pajamas…showered…on a Saturday…contemplating early bedtime…because…I was at a JazzFest all day with my parents…in Granville, TN…enough said.

Debating on putting a bra back on and getting dressed to go back out with your friends who just called…when you would rather continue contemplating that early bedtime.

Marrying my gay best guy friend is starting to sound like a really good idea. Imagine…a fairytale wedding. Amazing house with great design. Great food and wine every night. A closet the size of my house. I can imagine walking in and being greeted with a glass of wine and my Vogue magazine as we sit in our huge walk in closet. And he won’t be annoyed by any of this…he will join right in. I wouldn’t have to worry about any commitment issues…we could still date other people, but receive the wonderful tax benefits of marriage. We would have ridiculously gorgeous dinner parties, which all of you would be invited to of course. It sounds like a perfect plan to me.

Oh and of course..the idea of blogging about being single to justify being single. But as dear Samantha from Sex and the City says, “I have had a relationship with myself for my whole life, and right now, that’s the one I need to work on.”

I am by no means identifying myself by being single. However, at an age when most of my friends have been married for a while and are talking about starting a family or getting divorced..my being single comes to the surface quite often.
And the fact that I have just had a recent breakup doesn’t help. So as of, lets say, October 1, for all intense and purposes, I made a vow to remain single for a year straight. Not to say that Mr. Right will be knocking on my door October 1 of next year…but for at least a year I am not fooling with dating. I decided to blog about this venture of my life. I know some days will be funny and some will be sad…but I know I can learn a lot about myself from this…and blogging about it can just be fun or funny for those who actually read my self-pity blogs. So enjoy….if you so desire.