Twenty eight days usually makes something become a habit, right? I have to say, the first 28 days of my vow to be single have been amazing. I don’t know if it’s because I have been busy or free, but I’m getting used to the house being empty at night. It was always nice to have someone there to talk to or watch a movie with, but now I actually feel like my house is mine to enjoy. Since I moved in, I was always dating someone, so I never really bonded with my house alone. I kind of enjoy the melancholy of it all. I have been coming home and putting some music on instead of a movie and really enjoying a glass of wine or a nice cold beer, truly savoring it. I am used to this being alone thing, and I hate that I let so many relationships invade that. It is not that I can’t have a relationship again, but I HAVE to remind myself to take some time for myself. It’s so easy to want to see someone everyday…but I am not that kind of person. I like space, and I always catered to those who did not like space. It’s appalling to me that I walked away from who I am for other people. I let myself be smothered in love, and I can’t give back to that.
I love seeing the stacks of books and magazines I plan on reading knowing I will have the time. I love opening my house to friends who need a place to stay without worrying about a fight the next day. I love making plans for the future of things I have always wanted to do without having to make extravagant plans. I can just go. I love taking the time to grieve over what needs to be grieved and love what truly needs to be loved. There is so much I haven’t dealt with, that is now being shown to me, but there is a feeling of relief and a sound in my voice that let’s me know I am okay. I couldn’t truly become better with someone else dragging me down like they have.
For years, I lost a sense of who I was. When I felt like I got that back, I let it go way too fast. It felt like it was stolen. See, I used to be this extremely optimistic, fun person. I had almost this naive happiness about me that no one could take. Until someone did. It was ripped out from under me, and I could never figure out why or how. I just felt empty for a really long time. I started dealing with the fact that I wouldn’t get that back, but all of a sudden it showed up again. I started facing some thorns from my past that had a lot to do with that part of me fading away. I had kept things bottled up for so long, thinking no one needed to hear them or wanted to listen to me babble on yet again. It felt like once the words left my tongue, I was happier, instantly. This past Friday, I was me again. So extremely happy. So optimistic that it was impossible for me not to smile. I felt at complete peace, knowing that everyone and everything in my life has happened for a reason and made me who I am. I felt naive enough again to really enjoy life. To let all the worry go…that was true happiness.
Some advice for any of your brave enough to read this far:
If anyone makes you feel AT ALL inadequate…walk away…RUN away. The people in your life should challenge you, but not degrade you. They should adore you, but not worship you. Follow that pit in your stomach intuition and RUN from anyone who gives that to you.
Just do things. If you want to do them, do them. Travel, take random road trips, buy those jeans that fit just right or the shoes that make you feel sexy. Go see that friend you always say you are going to visit. Go to a movie alone if you really want to see a movie. Stop being scared to be alone. Embrace it.