I have one regret in my life. If you really know me, you know what that is. Most days I don’t even think about it. I don’t let it consume me. I know that the result of it led me to spending the last four months of Bryan’s life knowing him better than I would have. I can find the silver lining. I typically don’t regret things. I learn from them. This one is harder. It’s not detrimental in any way. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a decision that led to me having my own version of PTSD. There are places I can’t stand to be because thoughts consume me. I can’t wrap my head around this one…rather I can’t clear my head of this one. The lack of fairness of it all is my own judgement and misunderstanding of what God is doing. And that is ok, but nonetheless frustrating. Today it bothered me, and today I missed Bryan…a lot. It just hits me sometimes. My regret has nothing in the world to do with Bryan. It actually led me to him, but regardless when I think of one I think of the other. They are not even comparable other than the fact that, now, they both make me sad. One stayed too long and one left too soon.
If I have learned anything in the last six months it is that life is short. How arrogant of me to think I will even live through this year of being single. At least four people my age or younger have died in the last six months. Did they truly live? Were they happy? Am I happy? Am I living? Are you? It’s a lot to think about. It makes me really cling to the people I love and really push away the people I don’t, even more so the people who don’t love me in return. It’s sad to me how often petty drama gets in the way of happiness. Little insecurities creep in all too often and jealousy rages or your self-conscious denies you of that chocolate ice cream you’ve been wanting for fear of the calories.
Death is so powerful and cunning. It moves us. It changes us. It can make us better if we let it. I think of death as a person almost who sends out these messages, reminders. Reminding us to love and to live, to put away those insecurities and jealousies.
I have thought a lot lately about death and where I am in life. I am happy now…even though the contents of this post do not particularly express that, but I am. I have thought, “What if I died tonight?” I am lucky to have lived, truly lived. I have loved and been loved. I have been kissed under a waterfall. I have ran through the streets in the rain. I have sat in silence by a cold lake and cuddled under a blanket. I have laid underneath the stars and contemplated the smallness of humanity and the greatness of God. I have spent hours learning to love all the people in my life. I have traveled to foreign countries. I have created friendships on a global level. I have been heartbroken, and I have grown from each of those heartbreaks. I have lived. I have felt when I thought I was numb to feeling. I have held my niece and nephews into the wee hours of the night. I have dreamt and I have achieved. I have laughed, oh how I have laughed. And I’ve cried…which is a big deal if you know me. I have lived!