It’s funny how things can make you numb. It’s kind of frustrating. I mean, there are things that I call my best girls about because I know I should be feeling something more. So I question more than I should, and I make smaller things into bigger things because I don’t know how to feel sometimes. Aside from an initial attraction to someone I can’t connect romantically when the moments are right. (Not that I am supposed to right now.) I guess I am saying, even though I have sworn off relationships for a year, I still want to feel feelings toward someone so that I can execute will power in saying, “In a year, we can do this.” Things that used to sweep me off my feet all of a sudden don’t. Either I am getting unabashedly less romantic, putting walls up for the better so I don’t fall so hard and get hurt again, or I am losing hope that love actually exists. Not to be depressing, I just don’t see it much anymore. Of course maybe I never understood what love really is in the first place. Divorce rates are probably higher than they have ever been. Affairs are all to common. What’s happening? Well, I can’t answer that, but I can tell you some tips I have learned from my past relationships disasters. And these apply for both men and women.
- First and foremost, follow your gut. It’s not just gas from dinner last night. That weird feeling that makes you concerned is not butterflies in your stomach. You know what butterflies feel like. You know the difference, yet you make excuses and justify the bad behavior of a first date or lack of dates. If you have any bit of doubt, don’t continue. There are so many people out there. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel like you have gas.
- Secondly, women, don’t be with a man who can’t take you out on a date. And guys, if she’s not worth a date then she’s not worth a relationship. Dates are not over rated. They are old-fashioned, romantic, and necessary. Yet somehow, asking a woman where she wants to eat and paying for it is considered a date these days. Surprise us! Take us out and make us feel special. Don’t make us plan it. Women, let the guys do this. Don’t get all controlling about it. Let them romance you, as they should. I’ve been guilty of fighting off the romance and I regret it. Don’t be prideful. I’ve also been guilty of letting guys think that coming over to watch a movie is a first date. I’m sorry, if you aren’t picking me up at my house and taking me out somewhere, it’s not a date. We ALL give up on pursuing and desiring each other. We put ourselves on a couch making out before we’ve even awkwardly held hands at a movie theater. We are TOO comfortable.
- Pay attention to the relationships with family. If a person cannot honestly find something good about their parents, they are not ready for a relationship. I know not all parents are as great as mine 🙂 (love you mom). I know some dads are abusive and moms are hateful, but there is ALWAYS something to be learned in bad relationships. With parents and family, make sure the person you are interested in can say something nice about their family. Pay attention to how often they talk. What do they talk about? Heed negative jabs as warnings. You know when someone is joking and when they are not. I received so many warnings that I ignored and shrugged off as jokes.
- On the same note, make sure their own family actually likes them. Believe it or not, I have dated more than enough people whose families can’t stand them. THAT’S A REALLY BAD SIGN!!
- In the same way that a person should be able to find good things about bad family relationships, so it goes with past romantic relationships. When relationships end, a person should grow. I feel like I have grown and am continuing to grow. If a person can’t look back to someone they loved and remember why, then there are still feelings there that shouldn’t be. Hatred toward a person is a very strong emotion. It means there is still pain there. It means things have not been let go. If they haven’t let go of someone, they can’t hold on to you. DON’T JUSTIFY THIS! If they haven’t moved on, they don’t have time for you, and you don’t deserve that.
- Make sure they have friends. Good friends. Make sure they hang out with their friends. Someone who has to see you everyday is not healthy. They are not well with their own being. They should want to see you, but they should have friends that are just as important. They should want you meet their friends. And by gosh, they should want to meet yours. The whole “your friends, not mine” argument is invalid and usually means they are hiding something. If they are genuinely interested in you, they will genuinely be interested in your friends.
- Don’t date someone with kids if you aren’t ready. If the other parent is still alive, you are in for it. Don’t let them tell you otherwise, there will ALWAYS be another woman or guy in the relationship. If you can’t handle that (and I clearly couldn’t at the time) DO NOT do it. Don’t think it’s gonna work because you have “such a romantic connection blah blah blah.” It won’t. Refer back two bullet points. If it’s gonna work, you should never have to see the ex early on in a relationship. You shouldn’t even meet the kids for 6 months. Be strong about that. Honestly, you shouldn’t have to be strong about that. The parent should be strong enough for the both of you.
- Pay attention to what your interest does in their free time. If they can’t bring something to the conversation, they aren’t worth your time. They should have hobbies more than just video games. Nothing is more disgusting than someone who lays around all day long, all the time. Granted, there are days allowed for vegging out. When someone literally means “nothing” when you ask what they did that day, it’s a BAD SIGN! And pay attention to how they eat and take care of their body. You will adapt those habits.
- Manners are not overrated. Much like dating. Pay attention to manners. Guys should be opening doors. Girls should be classy.
- If you talk about faith, ask them why. Find out more than if they just believe in something. Ask why.
- Ask the tough questions. If they say something odd, dig deeper. Don’t shrug it off. Deal with it then and there. If you feel they are lying, they probably are.
- Lastly and most importantly, KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! Be confident in who you are, what you want, what you believe. Don’t be shy to walk away from the weirdos that line up at the door. Surround yourself with people who make you better.
(For my readers, I have a project for you. I want you to comment lessons you have learned. I will add them to a separate post later.)
Here’s to avoiding past mistakes and always growing.
Chronicles of Singledom 
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Ending a significant relationship or a getting a divorce, to me at least, is three fold on the front end…the back end is full of it’s own special kind of challenges. I won’t even get into the logistical crap of the entire mess. But I digress…the triad:
You lose half of your contact with your child.
I cannot begin to describe this without cliche or with appropriate gravity. I cannot find words to describe in my soul how a person could choose to abandon their child. It is beyond my concepts. Running away because your ex is irrational or tough to be around is a crap excuse. Ex-spouse be damned, the child did not choose this path, yet they reap the consequences. Don’t jack it up more.
The child deserves the best, and you have to do your best to show it to them. I and said SHOW it to them…not give. I can give you a diamond. That doesn’t mean I am worth the dollars that I paid for the rock or that I love you the most. Heck, I could have stolen it off of a dead body. You don’t know.
I can strive to show you with persistence, honor, integrity, over time, that simple love can yield beauty. That’s worth more than just being given a trinket. It is a symbol of love – not actually the embodiment of love. So use a bread twist tie if you want for that is true to the spirit of the symbol. You have a track record to know where it came from, to grow from, and God willing, wish to model your future relationships off of. High stakes. But twist ties can really be useful when you need them, much like the character and integrity that has been modeled, shown, and taught – not given. I can tell a kid how to ride a bike. Showing, helping, letting them fall a little, encouraging, kissing scrapes, and letting them carefully watch you is the way to teach. Don’t tell you love them as much as show how you love them and what it should look like. You’ve got to be the best version of you.
Losing a person you were supposed to have “loved” when you knew you really didn’t.
So it goes like this; you beat yourself up for letting the relationship go so long and missing out on the life you should have had yet all the while flogging yourself for not being able to fix the relationship to be what a bond of importance should have been – while still having a child because that will make things better. What a great run-on sentence. You get the idea.
You question you.
You want to hit reset, check out, run to or run from anything or something. When you said “I do” did you know the “I” part before you took the other person into your life…for life? If you can’t say, unequivocally, you know who you are and what you (not just want) but need, then you are missing the bigger picture. I knew pretty darn well who I was due to some major life chapters. But even with that, I still was not nearly like the I that I know myself as now. I also thought I knew what I wanted.
It’s like saying you know you want a dream house. 3 bedrooms 2 baths. Simple. BS. Not specific enough. Think about that simile for a few minutes. Your house wish list will get long pretty quick with exactly what you want. If it doesn’t grow quickly then realize you are OK with just “good enough” or just want basics met materialistically…good think I am not meaning this literally – that would be shallow. What about your relationships? Does the metaphor hold merit still? There is a difference between wants and needs. “I need love” is a lot different than “I want love”.
Call it a list, wish list, dream, prayer, whatever. My mind was all set to just “be”. To listen. But what’s the difference between listening and inaction, listening and ignorance, and not even listening? Isn’t it that from each experience we should learn? What am I supposed to do? Be holding my breath? Wait till it’s all numb? Wait till I pass out? It’s tough to have a breath taken away when there is none there.
So what has been learned:
God loves me enough as my Father to let me mess up and learn. Like a father asks their child if they brushed their teeth knowing full well that they hadn’t. We are given chances to mess up. To grow. To hopefully not repeat. He loves me enough to not give up on the plan until it is done.
One relationship doesn’t fix another and the “warm body syndrome”, while nice, services nothing long term without a meaningful base. You can’t just cross your fingers and hope the base builds strong enough later on. That’s crap.
What if what I am supposed to have learned from all of this is that maybe I should attempt to say:
“There. Right there are qualities and attributes in someone I think God wants for me to love. Good enough is not good enough. Love ridiculously and, they in turn, do the same”.
I think there is a plan and I am grateful for all that has transpired so far. The BS, the anguish, the healing, the dawn.
So here is to looking at the past blessings, forever growing, and slowly breathing while the plan unfolds.
I’ve got one:
Don’t give up yourself entirely for a significant other. There are things you have to give up and compromise on, but all of yourself should not be one of them. You will be miserable, and will become a shadow of yourself. It is a horrible feeling. Personally, it took me a very long time to learn this, and the process was excruciating. Furthermore, you shouldn’t have to change yourself completely so your significant other is happy with you, and vice-versa. They should love you for you. If they don’t, then you are not right for one another, and you both need to find someone else who will accept and love you for you.
Beautifully said Krista!!! Congrats on your engagement…and thanks for reading. Hope we can catch up soon!