My dear, my lovely…Bryan,
The words that follow are things I never thought I would write. I never thought I would cry this much again. I don’t even know where to begin. There are no words, honestly. I miss you. I can’t seem to articulate anything eloquently enough to describe the way I feel. The gratefulness that I had you in my life again for four short months. The last time you hugged me as if it would be the last, and it was. I am fighting believing it all, even now. You were my strength in so many ways. I know you probably didn’t realize it, but knowing we were in similar places in life made it so much easier to go through it. And talking to you every week made for some peace of mind. You always made me feel that I truly deserved the best.
This is worse than any breakup because this is so final. You are gone…and my first thought was, “How could you leave me?” We were supposed to talk through life together. We were supposed to work through being single together and encourage each other to get through it. We were supposed to hike some of the AT together because that’s what you do when you go through a breakup. You do something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do and I dye my hair because that’s what women do. So we were to do both. And you left me.
But before you left you gave me the best gift you could, your time. And now, I have something I never thought I would with you. Memories. I can see you drinking coffee in my kitchen and harassing me for not recycling as you slapped my knee. I see you on my front porch looking out at views you missed. I remember our conversation as clear as day when you decided to visit on a whim. You had this excitement in your voice as you did something you normally wouldn’t, and I will never forget wrapping my arms around you for the first time in years. I will forever remember dancing with you…if that’s what you call dancing. I will cherish the stories you told me as you described your growth in the last eight years, and your voice will resound when I think of the excitement I felt seeing your name show up on my phone. I will forever soak in every thought I have of you and the memories we were able to create in such a short time. I am so grateful to have had those sweet moments with you.